Hustle and Mind

I was in NYC over the holidays
Ostensibly stepping away
From the hustle and grind.
But was I?
Phone. Computer. Brain.
All still up and running.
Projects. Clients. Planning for next - now this - year.
All present and accounted for.

I did actually take xmas day off.
And a train to Providence
On which I just watched
The backstage of New England rush by
Letting hopes, dreams, memories
Rush up and away with the graffiti and wintering trees.
But still.
All my work was in my bag.
Right at my feet.

And then I saw this street sign.
RAISE PLOW.
It hit hard.
I’d never seen that sign before.
Though for sure it’s not new.

You only see
What you have eyes for.

RAISE PLOW
I’ve always loved work.
Begged for homework in second grade.
Plenty of stuff
I didn’t want to feel even then.

Work hard play hard.
I’ve been that girl.
But then I stopped playing hard.
And after a short period of adjusting
Just started to work hard.
Work harder.

Is it workaholism?
Might be.

But workaholism - if it exists at all - is that just denial?!
Is hard to separate
From diligence.
And persistence.
And passion.
And dedicatedness.
All of which can look like plowing.
You only know
Which is which
From the inside.
And maybe it doesn’t matter.
It’s certainly not the worst thing
To escape into work
She said defensively.

And of course
There is a time to plow.
Sometimes you need to burn the candle
From all three ends.
You have financial pressure.
You love your work.
You are ambitious.

But there are times
And you actually need to
Put the draft in the drawer.
And let the drawer fairies do their work.
And yet there you are
Lighting that third wick.

Sometimes it’s time to back off
You know it is
And you can’t.
You want that breakthrough.
And you know breakthroughs happen this way:
Bang your head against the wall.
Walk away.
Nothing.
Bang your head against the wall.
Walk away.
Nothing.
Bang your head against the wall.
Walk away.
Noth… oh!
So if you haven’t broken through
You keep looking for a new wall
To bang our head against.
I mean it’s what walls are built for.
Right?

RAISE PLOW

Plowing.
It’s a way to say hustling.
And hustle culture gets a bad rap.
Because busy work.
Metrics.
But the hustle was dance
Before it was a entrepreneur lifestyle.
It was flashy, dynamic, and powerful.
It was disco ball fun.
I like to think of my hustle like that.
Intuitive. Rhythmic. Sparkly.
But like everyone I’m always working to create momentum.
Or keep it.
And I do lovely work.
So sometimes the hustle slips from dance floor vibe
To just more hours pushing at the desk.

RAISE PLOW.

Also plowing
Seems so virtuous.
Much more virtuous than sleeping on it.
Dancing about it.
Loving it.

RAISE PLOW
As I walked through Manhattan
On those perfectly mild December days
I wondered if I could.
Was I addicted to the plowing
And was it holding me back?
Was I somehow bullying myself?
Could I do next year - this year now
In a way that
The shovel
Doesn’t grind against the road.

RAISE PLOW.

I wish I had stopped to see
What was the thing the plow had to be raised for.
I can’t exactly even remember taking the pic.
I’m sure I was on my way somewhere
And focused on being on time.
I didn’t used to be on time.
But I changed.
I do keep changing.
Because I want to believe that people can change.
And the only way to believe it
Is to do it myself.

So I’m looking at my plowing behavior.
And sometimes
I notice
I do
RAISE PLOW
Like this post.
I didn’t try to finish when it was late.
And I was tired.

RAISE PLOW.

There’s also something
About the word raise.
It’s so uplifting.
It’s not like saying don’t plow.
Or no plow.
RAISE PLOW
Allows for future plowing.
Which makes it easier to pause.
It’s an easing up
So you can bear back down.
Maybe exerting less strength
So you can exert maximum strength.

Raise has the echo
Of raison d’etre.
I don’t see the connection in the books
But in some ways
Raising up
Rising up
Elevating
Does feel synonymous with
Or at least adjacent to
Reason for being.

RAISE PLOW
Tells me to remember
That the reason for being
Is connected to - but not exactly the same as - what I do.

And finally,.
I’m not a neuroscientist
But have read that the nueroscientists are saying
That trauma survivors
- Which I feel like is all of us at this point -
Tend to push harder.
Plow.
When as I heard someone say recently
In order to rewire the brain
We need to push softer.
That hit.
RAISE PLOW.
PUSH SOFTER.

The work under the work.
The work of being.
Of knowing.
Of healing.
Doing the work
Changes your work
Which makes the work more possible.
Which changes the way you work.
IIt’s one of the infinity loops
Of The Infinite Creator.

RAISE PLOW

It has to do with consciousness.
Replacing hustle and grind.
With hustle and mind.

xx

B