Somewhere Under The Rainbow
I’ve been waiting for a rainbow.
Is waiting the right word?
Hoping.
Expecting.
Looking for one.
Doing the nothing you can do to see one.
Except maybe look or even go outside.
Even though it’s raining.
I’ve been waiting without waiting.
We need to be so good at it.
Waiting without waiting.
The network, the editor, the agent, the reviewers.
They all are going to say or do something
That is going to impact your life.
Maybe change it forever!
For the better!
Your big break!
And of course you are going to wait.
But if you can wait without waiting?
Next level life.
(I wrote about waiting for the LA Times a few years ago - here it is).
So.
I was waiting without waiting
For a rainbow.
It feels like it’s been forever since I’ve seen one.
And with the atmospheric rivers.
The leaking roof.
The drizzle frizzled hair.
I felt a rainbow coming.
Or was I attempting to manifest a rainbow?
The ever present question.
The order of things.
And then.
Driving home
On Santa Monica Boulevard.
Up in the hills.
Strike the hallelujah chorus.
Though more likely I was listening to
Either Kai Ryssdal on Marketplace or Phoebe Bridgers.
My one two punch of audio coping assists.
I felt like it was a good sign.
I mean of course.
A rainbow means you are seeing what is always there
But usually invisible.
The colors in light.
It’s a shift in perspective.
And that’s the definition of a miracle.
A miracle is like the ultimate good sign:)
It stuck with me this rainbow.
I started thinking about
Somewhere Over The Rainbow.
Maybe because this one was so way up high.
And I remembered for the first time in some time
The Rhino Records Wizard Of Oz boxed set.
It’s filled with extended versions, alternate versions and outtakes.
And one of those outtakes
Is a reprise of Somewhere Over The Rainbow.
In it Judy Garland just absolutely loses it.
She’s not a yearning Dorothy.
She’s a distraught and bereft Dorothy.
I mean why oh why can’t I?!?
By the end she is sobbing.
I’m listening to it now
And I have chills.
I’m frightened Auntie Em I’m frightened.
It’s magnificent.
And heartbreaking.
And feels like the feeling
Of when you are up against the wall of your dream
So completely
You can’t figure out how to even try
To get over the rainbow.
It’ll tear your guts out.
Then some gruff guy
An AD I guess
Says cut take 2029 take 3. Or whatever.
No nice job.
No are you ok.
I know.
It’s a set.
That’s protocol.
But it doesn’t feel like
Someone is rushing in right afterwards
With a blanket and some hot chocolate.
And of course we all know the story.
That they were rushing in with diet pills.
But we - and specifically I
Have made a smidge of progress
In understanding that over the rainbow
Is an inside job.
We have to learn to love ourselves.
The first time I heard that I thought
OMG is there no end to this DIY life?
Do I have to do everything myself!
Which is what the Wizard of Oz was mostly about.
Clicking your heels three times and all that.
You have the power.
But it’s still nice to be acknowledged on the outside.
And to get jobs, and published and awards.
And we wait for it.
We have to.
But hopefully without waiting for it.
There’s so much to do in the meantime.
Creating our carbon neutral lives.
Processing The Outrages.
Plotting our course of action.
Getting in our steps.
Being open to the hugeness.
And not letting the it’s a lotness overwhelm us.
And you have to leave the house to do it.
You don’t see the rainbows unless you do.
And that’s always been my only beef
With my beloved The Wizard of Oz.
Finally a story about a girl!
And she actually leaves home.
And then the end…
If I ever go looking form heart’s desire again
I won’t look any further than my own backyard.
Sometimes you really do have to leave home.
Especially while waiting.
That’s how we see the rainbows.
And it’s the rainbows that remind us
That everywhere we go
There we are.
We are always home.
We carry ourselves with us.
But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t leave.
We leave without leaving.
In the same way we wait without waiting.
xx B